So Miss Pyrite does the breaking and entering thing, and finds the three adult sex toys in the bedroom. Without worrying about the hygiene, let’s say she tries the first one out and finds it too small. The next sex toy is too big, but the last vibrator, well, it’s just right. So she drifts off to sleep afterwards, and for the sake of familiarity, let’s say the house belonged to  a bear family who comes home and finds Miss Pyrite fast asleep (with a satisfied smile). They chase her out, she runs home, end of story.

And you thought I couldn’t keep this adult toy article clean. Shame on you for having a dirty mind.

Well, Jeff decided to tell the people of the town that he would kill all the monster sex toys that currently plagued them, and that he would do it for a thousand gold coins. The people agreed, so Jeff set off to capture and kill all the adult toys currently stalking the land. The best way he found to kill the vibrators was to short out their electrical systems with an electric charge.  He would then take the vibrators to a landfill where they could be properly disposed of without contaminating the environment. After several trips to the landfill, the monster vibrator threat that had plagued the small town was over, and Jeff was paid his thousand gold coins. Afterwards, he retired from big game vibrator hunting and started selling insurance near Wichita.

See, the thing is, when writing about adult sex toys and fairy tales; it’s probably a good idea to know a little bit about each of the subjects. I mean, adult toys are pretty self explanatory, and you’d think the fairy tales would be, but apparently, I dropped the ball on that one.  That’s absolutely my bad for not doing a little more research.

Ok, let’s wrap up this travesty.  I had no real way to link these to totally unrelated items (sex toys and fairy tales) and I guess I should apologize for it. You may, in fact, feel a little dumber for having read this article, and again, I apologize.  You want a story with vibrators and witches, and this is what you get.  I’m really going to try harder next time, I promise. Maybe.

I probably should mention that her transportation to the gala at which she lost her vibrator was also not produce like you remember, but a stretch dildo on rims with tinted windows. Her fairy godmother may have been a little twisted, but she at least had a sense of style. That sex toy was decked out with the full amenities, including a wet bar and plasma screens in the headrests.

But anyway, the prince went around asking people if the adult toy in question was theirs, and though many claimed it was, none of the claims rang true until he met Sinderella. Then, through an intensive fitting process, the prince was able to determine that she was the woman he’d been searching for.

Pigeon Hood stole them all. From vibrators to inflatable talking sheep, he would pilfer all the sex toys he could find, and give them to the less fortunate to do with as they desire. If they wanted to pawn a dildo and eat for a while, or if they just wanted to enjoy the multitude of sex toys Pigeon Hood liberated from the rich, their desires weren’t left wanting. Just because they were poor did not mean they couldn’t also enjoy the adult contemporary style of a vibrating penis massager which would also play MP3’s.

One day Pigeon Hood got caught for stealing these adult toys, and was challenged to a duel by the sheriff of the land. It was dildos at dawn, and by the foreskin of his weapon, Hood emerged victorious.

So a young boy thought it would be funny if he made up the fact that he found a whole box of adult toys. He told the entire town that he had discovered a magical treasure chest full of adult sex toys; all they had to do was come and see. They did, and when they found nothing he laughed at them, making them all feel rather foolish and sexually unfulfilled.

Long story short, one day a monster dildo did come by, and the boy shouted, but nobody came. Sadly, the boy was bludgeoned to death and the dildo remains free today.

These adorable little adult toys only wish in life was to grow up big and strong like some of their less travel ready brethren. They too wanted to experience the thrills of being used to their fullest capacity; as well as being able to functionally use D batteries.  So one day, a magician waves his wand (which looks suspiciously like a dildo) and turns the three little vibrators into three giant vibrators.

Interestingly enough, the second vibrator also got his secret wish, and was transformed into a singing vibrator. His hits “Until My Batteries Die” and “Not in the Face!” rose steadily on the charts for eighty six consecutive weeks, before both topped out at number five earning our little hero a well deserved trip to drug rehabilitation.

That’s the toughest thing about writing these adult toy articles. You may have some really good or really funny ideas, but you know there’s no way they (they being the editors and programmers) are going to put this on a website. At least, not the one they are getting paid to run.  So when writing about dildos, vibrators, and other assorted sex toys, it’s got to be completely inoffensive, and when you’re trying to also be funny, it’s doubly frustrating. I just wanted a record that I did think of other things I could have written about, but couldn’t because people have standards.

My next series of articles concerning adult sex toys will be whole hearted attempts at levity using the foundation of fairy tales as my continuing theme. There may be vibrators in place of little pigs, or instead of seven dwarves you may find seven gigantic dildos. Any way I can use these sex toy references to make it entertaining (or because I’m required) I will find a way. I can only hope the original authors of the stories I may be minutely twisting to serve my own needs feel no need of reprisal or lawsuit; even better scenario, they have kicked the proverbial bucket.

So let us now begin this adventure of interjecting adult toys into the places of some our most cherished characters from our childhood memories. As I stated earlier, I can only hope you find this all entertaining, as I can only hope that it be profitable.

You know, the original version of this story is almost as messed up as the one I will attempt to tell you here. In the original, there are drugs, violence, and general madness. In my version, I like to think there’s a girl (of legal age) who is just entering the fascinating world of adult entertainment and adult sex toys. Instead of following a talking rabbit into a hole, maybe she followed a talking dildo that was late for something. I really don’t know, as this whole story didn’t really make a lot of sense to me.

I think my version with the sex toy references would make more sense, if I chose to really write about it. I think I could make the story a lot less confusing, and a lot more entertaining. In my version there wouldn’t be a tea party, but a tea bagging party. I wish I could tell you more about this awesome  and exciting story involving sex toys that I will never write, but unfortunately, I have ran out of time and words.